Husband “keeps” things from me…losing trust!?
ByWrote on here before about it. Here is the long of the short of it..Been married 7yrs have 2 small children. Husband and I have NO intimacy..he claims he’s tired…it’s OK if in fact, that’s true! Few years ago, I found out he was lying about where he went with a friend..(Strip Club). Normally, that would be OK (not happy but OK)..but since we do not have sex or any intimacy, it made me feel uncomfortable about it. Then more recently, he bought a motorcycle and took out a large loan (I knew he was buying a bike CASH) he neglected to mention the loan which we cannot afford at this time. Yet again, today, I was able to access his email. (mistaken BTW) because we switched phones and he did not delete his account. I found a couple “flirty” messages with another woman. Apparently they worked together at this power plant he was working at (it was a new construction power plant that recently EXPLODED)..anyway, I did not notice any “cheating” signs other than, his mention of wanting to have dinner with just HER (She sent a message saying, should it be the 3 of us or just us 2)…his reply was “the latter”) Eye brow raised. Also, they have cute pet names for each other and my hubs is NOT like that…He calls me honey but that is it…he is stiff normally. Well, for her, he calls her “cakes” and he is called “princess” dont get it but whatever. Also, they talk about going and eating Sushi together…(HE HATES FISH and SUSHI) so again, what the heck is going on?? I get that people flirt, I FLIRT!!! BUT, it is known..I am very friendly and call people sweetheart and honey…its who I am…but HIM, NOT AT ALL! Not sure how to handle this. Not sure if this situation is cheating or him having a playful friendship that he just neglected to mention. If I have a pal at work, he knows about it! Just wondering why she was never mentioned! He claims the women who worked in his “trailer” on the site, were “fat, trashy women”! Horrible talk but its what he said…so why does he say in his email “I’ll buy u lunch today HONEY”…and “lets have sushi dinner soon, the two of us..and catch up over rice and drinks!!!!!” Why am I not aware of this????? How would any of you handle this? FYI – I have called a couple therapists but so many of them are booked up. I did get a referral today that I am hoping will call me back but I think until I talk to someone, I am going to sit on asking him about the emails…..
Tip: I’m 30, would say very pretty, average size (12-14), blonde, and very low key, no nagging, etc…He is 43….this woman is 46 and I found a pic of her on facebook and seriously, if he had somethign with her, Id be shocked…based on looks…Im not sure what the deal is…I get that looks are not everything, but its sort of what makes me think, he is not cheating…just would not make any sense….
2 hours ago – 4 days left to answer.
Additional Details
So to add some details: After talking to a friend about it…I kept asking my husband about the sex part…trying to be sincere and say, Im just wondering why its not happening. Instead of trying and initiating sex…so, my new theory was to instead of waiting for him to do things…I decide now if I want something to ask him for it. So, if I want him to do the dishes, I’d ask him if he would do them…or if I feel we should have sex, I may initiate it. About a week ago, he came home from being away for a week and we actually did do it. The sad thing is, I do believe him when he says he is just tired. And I know its again sad, but after seeing this womans pic, I just dont get the attraction..I see maybe a funny lady flirting with my husband but why its a secret is just beyond me….
2 hours ago
Her email to him about 15days ago (again no idea why she calls him princess): Hey Princess!
> I hope you are doing OK…Miss Ya!
> Cakes
His response: Hey Cakes! Yeah im doin
> alright. Im actually in Alabama right now taking a training course. Hows it going there? Hows Kenny doing?
hers again: I hear he is doing a tiny bit better every day….When are you coming home???
We NEED to do Sushi….!!!!!!
Hope you are having fun there in Alli-bami…whereabouts are you?
His reply: Hey Cakes, Yeah Im here till Saturday in lovely Birmingham. What a **** hole! LOL. Def gotta do sushi
This is before Alabama
Her to him: Sent: Fri, January 29, 2010 11:35:47 AM
Subject: Sushi
Are you still getting us lunch 2day…sweety?
His reply: US? Yes I am buying your lunch honey!
hers:Were you thinking the 3 of us were going, or u & I could go to have a drink & rice and catch up?
His: ummm the second
What do ya’ll think?
To those who have already read this: Yes, I did post this already but wanted to add the “emails”…so people can see the messages..and I ran out of space so I couldnt add it to my other posting. Not trying to clutter boards, just like anyone else, searching for answers!
Well, I confronted him on it. He said Princess is ME..that she saw a wedding pic and said I looked like a princess. (not sure why she calls him that but OK)….he calls her cakes cause everyone does..patty cakes..(again what he said). He said he does not eat sushi…and that he has rice but all the people in the office would get sushi and he hated it, etc. then he got all mad saying I am always looking for things and he feels like a prisoner. I guess he dont get that when you get caught lying even once, it breaks trust. Now I just dont know what to do. He thinks the yahoo answers is crap cause I said well, Im not insane, other people would be upset too..(he said when he called her honey, he was being sarcastic)…Ever just feel so lost and have no clue where to go? I just lost my grndmother a month ago (she was like my mother) so I am just all emotionally drained at this point. I tried calling therapists but many are booked…still waiting on one so I pray they can help!
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9 Comments
November 17th, 2010 at 8:09 am
It sounds like she’s closer to his age, and he’s trying different things with her. Unfortunately he’s not loosening up with you about what he likes; and that’s a problem.
The intimacy issue isn’t just sexual here. He’s emotionally distant from you too. So he’s “bonding” with another woman which doesn’t surprise me.
I think you two need to sit down and you need to ask him about what he’s doing. The loan, the bike, the flirting, etc. Ask him why he’s not doing these things with you, and finding someone else more attractive in terms of an activities partner. And then ask him what activities besides sushi and bike riding they’ve been involved in.
Aside from all of that, maybe the issue here is the emotional connection. That’s important and when it starts to fade, so does the love; and so I see a possible emotional affair here.
Don’t get angry or upset. Just confront him. If he is messing around, take a neutral stance and if you want to fix your marriage, then tell him he should be spending time with you, and of course making YOU happy.
November 17th, 2010 at 8:20 am
I would not like my husband having conversations like that. What is it about drinks and rice? Are they chinese?
November 17th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Sweetie that’s called cheating.
November 17th, 2010 at 9:41 am
I would be mad, this is definitely not business correspondence style (only in case your husband expects promotion and she is the boss). Talk to your husband, and see therapist. I am sure you’re on the right way.
November 17th, 2010 at 9:57 am
I think he is already involved, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. I would let him hang himself. Play along as if you don’t know and see if he comes clean. Who knows, if it’s truly innocent then he will a.)invite you along or b.)be upfront and tell you the truth about where he’s going and with whom. Given what you say though, b.) is highly unlikely to happen, but just see if he fesses up before the date. You’ve got to use wisdom and discernment. If you just fly off the handle, he’ll just do a better job covering his tracks making it harder for you to prove later.
When is their dinner date? Let it get to that date and then see what he tells you. What is the excuse he uses to get out of the house for the night(it’s doubtful that he’s going to tell you that he’s going to dinner with her. He’ll just say it’s guy’s night out or something to that effect.). As he’s leaving, tell him(in an “I know already” tone): “Have a nice dinner and be sure to say hi to (insert her name)for me.” He is either going to feel bad and stay home knowing he’s busted or he’ll leave in anger. If he stays, tell him that you need to talk about the marriage and what it means. If he’s a jerk and leaves anyway, then you get all of his sh*t into a garbage bag and throw it out onto the lawn! Change the locks and tell him to go to her house and that he can expect papers to follow very soon!
November 17th, 2010 at 10:06 am
Already answered this one; are you really looking for answers, or just playing games and cluttering up the board?
November 17th, 2010 at 10:17 am
one thing i have learned about cheating, they never cheat with anyone better looking than you because they have low self esteem. I always ask “why do they trade in the bmw for a chevy??? my ex cheated with one that looked like she just got off the pipe!
November 17th, 2010 at 10:35 am
When a man cheats, looks of the other woman are not always important …most times if her personality or confidence that is attractive and she makes him feel something you are not, then he could be very attracted to her…looks are not everything my dear. If he doesnt want to bring you along on things…if he didnt even mention dinner with her….they have cute nicknames for each other…come on you have to be blind to not see there is, at minimum, an attaction…if he is “just friends” then why are you not included? I think if you are worried, you need to open the lines of communication. I dont know your man’s history but if he ever cheated in his past you can pretty much safely bet he is going to again.
November 17th, 2010 at 10:50 am
First off let me say that I am so sorry that this is happening and hope that things work out the best for you and your children.
If he was going to strip clubs, whether or not you two were intimate then that is a problem because he is lusting after other women. Him flirting with another woman is also dangerous, especially if they work together, because they could easily cheat if they haven’t already.
Looks don’t matter so much in these cases and not even nagging. Cheaters cheat. They can be with supermodels and if they want to cheat they will.
You have to decide if you feel comfortable staying with him and looking the other way, or leaving him because it sounds like he is cheating. You do not need physical evidence for those things. Would you rather stay and be cheated on or leave and live in peace? Living without him might not be easy but your kids may see that you have a loveless marriage and may eventually find out that he is cheating and you are staying and how will that affect their future relationships?