PLEASE help — I need support ?
ByOkay, I hope this won’t be too long.
There’s something that’s been on my mind recently and it’s really messing me up. Well let me give a little background… I’m an 18 year old female. When I was 4 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She died when I was 6. It got progressively worse and moved up to her brain and made fluid push on her brain which made her do and say ‘crazy’ things. She would tell me a lot about the cancer and how her hair was going to fall out — everywhere. When the hair on her head was falling out, she had me help her take it out. She had me give her hormone shots. Now before you go bashing my mom for this, I honestly believe it was all because of the swelling in her brain making her act a little.. inappropriate. And also a few years before I was born she was hit by a car and was in a coma for a few weeks, therefore she had brain damage also but it never showed once she recovered, except she was partially paralyzed.
Anyways, the thing that’s bothering me is this… and it’s really hard for me to admit this because well, I feel it’s so horrible and unspeakable and I’m so so ashamed of doing it. I want to say first that I am a HUGE animal lover and totally against hunting, fishing, anything like that, I have 6 cats, 1 dog, and 2 snakes, I want to work for a wildlife refuge, I’m a member of the ASPCA, I want to rescue every animal at the pound I see, and I cry at the drop of a hat whenever I hear about an injured or killed animal, even when I see a lost animal sign. But what I have to confess is that for about a year or two after she died, I started to abuse animals. In fact, I killed 3. I killed two kittens and a rabbit. It wasn’t bloody or gory or anything, they weren’t horrible slaughters. And after each of them died, I felt HORRIBLE. Absolutely terrible. And I admitted that I did it. I also abused another cat that we had but he didn’t die.
This is something that I rarely think about because it hurts me so much. I absolutely cannot see how I can forgive myself for this, no matter how young I was. I feel like such an absolutely horrible disgusting person. It’s hurting me so much, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I hadn’t remembered doing it but I was reminded recently and the memories of killing and hurting them came back. And it makes me feel so sick.
I have told maybe only 3 people about this, I really hate admitting it, I know they must think I’m gonna be a serial killer or something. But I’m really a person that’s against any type of violence and I have always loved animals more than anything else in my life… So what I’m asking for here is if anyone has any advice to give me, or just words of comfort, just help me to get it into my head that I was young and lots of problems were going on and that’s not the person that I am now… Anything. I am just overridden with guilt and hatred for myself, and I used to self-injure in the past, and it’s making me want to do it again. So I just need some help.
PLEASE — IF YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO WRITE HATEFUL THINGS, DON’T RESPOND!!!
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6 Comments
April 15th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
I cannot help you. But you started yourself by posting this confession on the site. It is the first step. Good luck!
April 15th, 2011 at 6:12 pm
First off, I’m really sorry to hear about all that you went through.
It sounds to me like this animal abuse was a reaction to losing your mom. Suppressed emotions and traumatic experiences that are not talked about or dealt with can make anyone act irrational or “out of character”. Maybe you went through post traumatic stress disorder after your mom died? Did you have anyone to talk to around the time when your mom died?
You really should seek out professional help to deal with these feelings you are going through right now, especially when you feel an urge to injure yourself. And please do so, ASAP!
April 15th, 2011 at 6:47 pm
I feel for you i really do.
First of all i am so sorry for all the things you went through.
I think the reason why you hurt thoose animal is becuase your mental health has been dameged as a result of what you went through with your mother. It is obvious that this is out of character for you as you are very sorry for it.
If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.
You cant change what you did. You have to accept this. But what you can change is how you act now. That is the only thing you have control over. Dont self harm. That will not solve anything. You need to get proffessional help. Talk about with someone who can really help you.
You are not a bad person. Remenbe that.
Good luck x
April 15th, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Look, it was just an outburst. It’s not easy for a small kid to watch her mom die slowly..
We all do things that are out of our character sometimes. It’s vital not to dwell in the past and to learn from your mistakes. If you think it will affect your life in the long run, go to a therapist.
Hope you are OK!
April 15th, 2011 at 7:14 pm
I think you know why you are taking it out on animals.
Please understand this, animals are the only honest friend you can have in this world and they will stand beside you. Look as them as the best help for you, they did nothing to hurt you.
Think about how much pain hurt you, then think how much more pain you are giving them…tears
I really think you take it out on them because you have no guts to take it out on people.
Get strong. Keeping weak will only make you weaker and you will hate yourself more and that is why it is bothering you now.
Hate is a terrible place to be in your life and I know you are hurting.
Do you want to hate and do things like this all your life?
Stand up! Hold your head high! Think positive thoughts about how to help your self, because these days, people like to lable crazy and that lable can stay with you all your life and it is a hard road to go down.
Be real careful of who you can tell and talk to…so many people will use this against you later.
April 15th, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Doctor Wayne Dwyer once said: “Negative emotions are preceded by negative thoughts”. It is important to deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately.
When you notice something negative, such as: “I’m never going to get over this!” or: “Why am I always so pathetic/useless/such a loser?” or even: “I can’t do this/will never get over this!”, recognise that this is part of the mindset which will hold you back from progress. Having identified and labelled it, visualise a large, red, flashing, “STOP!” sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: “I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!”
You may want to use either: “ruse”, “ploy”, “game”, or “trick”, instead of “tactic”. In the case of an image, visualise a large “STOP” sign, or your preferred version. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don’t regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method.
If insufficient, after a few weeks of trying, you may need therapy. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is one option. EMDR (see sections 33 – 34, at for an explanation, and locator) is another worth considering. It is important that you forgive that little girl, who was in emotional distress, and didn’t have the resources available to her that you now have, nor the understanding that what she was doing was wrong: she just knew that she was suffering, and wanted others to suffer as well; to know the pain that she was feeling; your mother died; so must they – such is the irrational thinking of a distressed child.
If, like 40% of people, you are fairly suggestible, you could try re-parenting that child. Inner Child – Re-parenting
CD – MP3 & Letting Go of the Past. or try the searchbar at or try professional hypnotherapy. Ask your therapist about forgiveness, possibly printing this, and taking it along to the first session.